I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
