Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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