Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
