i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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