Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My life is pants optional.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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