I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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