There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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