So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
