I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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