You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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