So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
