I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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