She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
