Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
