I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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