So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
