they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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