He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
