moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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