he shaved USA in his pubs
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
