I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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