oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize