Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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