If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
