we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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