you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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