Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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