my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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