when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
