I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
