I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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