You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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