i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
