the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
