If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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