didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
