it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
