he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
