So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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