Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
