Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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