He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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