everyone is single if you try hard enough
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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