I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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