Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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