New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
