I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
