If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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