just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
