Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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