My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
