So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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