he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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