this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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