i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
