my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
