I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
