omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
