Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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